The Best Funny Wife Jokes

My wife´s suspicious mind is really begining to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.

My wife told me I was one in a million. After looking though her text messages I found out she was right.

Me and my wife are total opposites. She donates money to the homeless, I donate money to the topless.

My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

Three Rules of Marriage to avoid disaster.
1. Never come home at 4am and ask for breakfast.
2. Never leave the toilet seat up.
3. Wife is never wrong.