The Best Funny Wife Jokes

My wife told me I was one in a million. After looking though her text messages I found out she was right.

Irony is when you get a text message from the wife saying “your an idiot”.

It’s my wife’s birthday today so I’ve decided to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.

Me and my wife are total opposites. She donates money to the homeless, I donate money to the topless.

My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

My wife told me that she wants me to make her feel like a “real woman” so I took my shirt off and said “Here you go, iron this”.