Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.
The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?
Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
Just found out that if you squint your eyes really hard you can actually make your nose bleed. I did it earlier today on the train and a Chinese person came up to me and punched me in the face.
Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house, it was delicious.
My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:
“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?