Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
A. Your spine.
Just named my dog ‘Tenmiles’ so now I can say I walk ten miles every day.
My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working​, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!
Just seen a sign that made me sh*t myself… It said “Bathroom closed”.
Just seen two men walking together wearing matching clothes. I asked them if they were gay and they arrested me.
Girlfriend just told me she doesn’t care what she gets for Christmas as long as it has diamonds in it.
A pack of playing cards it is then.