Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.
Q. What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
A. Usain bolt can Finish a race.
The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.
Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?
Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
The following conversation took place between a couple at the cinema.
Girlfriend: I think the guy next to me is jerking off.
Boyfriend: Just ignore him.
Girlfriend: I can’t.
Girlfriend: He’s using my hand.
Q. What did the Muslim man say to his wife on their wedding day?
A. “I’m so happy… that you managed to get the day off school today”.