Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call me handsome.
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
The following conversation happened after calling the police.
Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!
My wife wanted something that goes from 0 to 100 in a few seconds for valentines day so I got her a weighing scale .
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.
So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.