My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.
So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.
My wife wanted something that goes from 0 to 100 in a few seconds for valentines day so I got her a weighing scale .
The following conversation happened after calling the police.
Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!
Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…
Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.
Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for. It was only when the shit started running down my leg that I remembered
Last night a thief broke into my house and started looking for money so i woke up and joined him.