Marriage is like a hand grenade, take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
I got my wife a get better soon card. She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.
Rescue cats are rubbish. My grandma fell down the stairs the other day and the cat did f*ck all.
Went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my right eye.
He advised me to take the spoon out of the cup.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Me and my girlfriend recently started dieting together and we both agreed to having a ‘cheat day’. After a couple of weeks she started getting really angry with me.
Turns out I totally misunderstood and while she was eating pizza I was eating pussy.