Best Funny Dirty Jokes

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn’t contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

“Here, love, I’ll shift gear for you.”

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, “Is that a poo in your hand?”

Q. What’s worse that your mum walking in on you when you’re watching internet p*rn?

A. Changing the tab to Facebook and then realising your 14 year old sister’s “Beach Holiday” photos are on the monitor.

My friend told me masterbating with a dead hand feels a lot better but after trying it I’m now in police custody and my local church has permanently banned me from funerals.

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase “Thanks for coming” ?