My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.
A lion would never cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood.
Do you have a phone in your back pocket… because your ass is calling me.
My teacher didn’t believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
After years of marriage I’ve learnt that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands. When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry.