Gave my wife £200 today so she can go away and leave me in peace to watch the world cup.
“I won’t need that much” she said.
“You will” I said. “It lasts for 5 weeks”
Q. Which website do Scousers use to get a trampoline for their kids? A. Google Maps
My doctor told me I had high blood pressure this morning… I took it with a pinch of salt.
Q. What do you call 1’000 (insert race here) on the titanic? A. A good start!
I can’t wait till the app ‘Grand Theft Auto Go’ comes out.
I’ve decided that from now on I’m just gonna drink at home instead of drinking at bars. It’s cheaper, there are no time limits and I’m allowed to be naked.