Yo mama is so fat when I picture her in my head I get neck strain.
I saved my mistress’ phone number as ‘LOW BATTERY’. Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.
Gave my wife £200 today so she can go away and leave me in peace to watch the world cup.
“I won’t need that much” she said.
“You will” I said. “It lasts for 5 weeks”
Q. Which website do Scousers use to get a trampoline for their kids? A. Google Maps
My doctor told me I had high blood pressure this morning… I took it with a pinch of salt.
Q. What do you call 1’000 (insert race here) on the titanic? A. A good start!