The Best Funny Wife Jokes

My wife told me I was one in a million. After looking though her text messages I found out she was right.

It’s my wife’s birthday today so I’ve decided to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.

Last night my wife told me she wanted to do some role-play and aked me to pick any scene from any film. She quickly realised this was a mistake after I shouted “THIS IS SPARTA” and kicked her down the stairs.

Me and my wife are total opposites. She donates money to the homeless, I donate money to the topless.

My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife before bed.

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.