The Best Funny Wife Jokes

Irony is when you get a text message from the wife saying “your an idiot”.

Had a really stiff neck when I woke up this morning. My wife said she hopes it spreads.

Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three f*cking hours ago.

It’s my wife’s birthday today so I’ve decided to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.

Last night my wife told me she wanted to do some role-play and aked me to pick any scene from any film. She quickly realised this was a mistake after I shouted “THIS IS SPARTA” and kicked her down the stairs.

I’m currently having an affair but I’ve saved my mistress’ phone number as ‘LOW BATTERY’.

Whenever she calls and I’m not around my wife plugs my phone into the charger.