The Best Funny Wife Jokes

My wife made me dress up as a policeman last night. I really didn’t feel like going into work but apparently my sergeant called and threatened disciplinary action if I didn’t turn up.

The following conversation took place between a wife and husband after a lottery win.

Husband: Pack your bags honey, I’ve just won the lottery!!
Wife: What??
Husband: Pack your bags, I’ve just won the lottery!!
Wife: Now way!! This is amazing!! Where are we going?
Husband: We’re going nowhere, just pack your bags and f*ck off!!

As soon as it gets frosty outside my wife becomes obsessed with looking through the window.

Maybe I should let her in the house.

I woke up bald this morning.

I think my wife misunderstood me when I told her to shave her twat.

My wife said she was going for a beauty sleep last night. I said “Ok, see you in 3 months time”.

My wife asked me to make her scream last night while we were in bed so I poked her in the eyes.