Best Funny Relationship Jokes

My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of coffee.

I found the off-switch on women. It’s in the back of their heads.

You have to use a bat to activate it.

I’ve never had any luck with women. When I was a child my mum never breastfed me, she always had a headache.

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

They say opposites attract, try telling that to my short ugly girlfriend.

If opposites attract, then does that mean I need to become a fat looser who smells bad to attract a nice woman?