Best Funny Relationship Jokes

I’ve never had any luck with women. When I was a child my mum never breastfed me, she always had a headache.

Can’t believe how quickly the batteries keep running out on my smoke alarm. Really need to get my wife some cooking lessons this Christmas.

My girlfriend told me today that she has 2 cunts and apparently I’m one of them.

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won shitloads of money and moved to Spain.

My mom always used to say “If you haven’t got anything nice to say then you can go f*ck yourself”.

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.