The following conversation took place between a husband and wife before bed.
Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.
Went on a date last night which was a total disaster. The girl told he over the phone she was expecting a baby, so I went to the pub wearing nothing but a nappy, felt like a right f*cking idiot!
I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.