I had a wet dreem about someone who looked just like you last night. I pissed myself laughing when I hit you with a car.
My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”
I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”
Recently found out I’m allergic to cats. That’s the last time I eat at a Chinese restaurant.
The following conversation took place while using a Ouija board.
Me: Will I ever find true love? Ouija board: W O U L D U L I K E S O M E T E A Me: Not now grandma, I’m busy.
People who say they’ve lost their voice are lying.
Do you work for Fedex because I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package?