Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking heavily at the moment and allowing their wives to drive.
Think there’s a problem with my iPhone. The battery dies quicker than a black guy in the back of a police van.
Teacher: Name three Kings of England who greatly transformed the country and made it a better place to live.
Student: Drin-king, smo-king and fu-king.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said “Well, I’m off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park.”
If I had parkinson’s disease, I’d glue my hand to my cock!
What’s long and hard for white people but short and relaxed for Asians?
A maths exam.