Managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night. That’s 4 minutes in human time.
Yo mama is so fat that when Dracula drank her blood she gave him diabetes.
The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while in bed.
Husband: “Can I try going through your back door tonight?” Wife: “F*ck that sh*t!” Husband: “Thats the spirit!”
Man: Would you wear shoes if you didn’t have feet? Woman: No of course not. Man: Then why do you wear a bra?
Man: Hi can I have your number? Woman: I have a boyfriend. Man: I have a maths test tomorrow. Woman: What? Man: Sorry, I thought we were talking about things we’re gonna cheat on.
My favourite text message to send to the wife when I’m out drinking at the bar.
“I’ll be home in 5 minutes… If not… read this again!!”