Got an erection while waiting in line at burger king. It was a whopper.
My wife only ever has sex with me when she wants something. Last night she wanted to time an egg.
Just had a water fight at the local park with a bunch kids and won!!
Nobody is a match for me and my kettle.
Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut up a woman!
Q. What’s the difference between a pornstar and an undertaker? A. An undertaker is usually fully dressed when he sees a stiff.
The following inspirational conversation took place with my dad earlier today.
Dad: There’s no such thing as “can’t”. Me: Wow, thanks for the inspirational message dad but I was actually calling you a cunt.