The Best Funny Wife Jokes

Q. What does a grenade and a wife have in common?
A. They both take your house and leave you hurt when you remove the ring.

My wife only ever has sex with me when she wants something. Last night she wanted to time an egg.

Q. Why is a wife like a candle?

A. Because if you you’re not careful with them they can take away your house.

The following conversation took place between a wife and husband on a Saturday night.

Husband: “Get your coat I’m going down the pub.”
Wife: “It’s about time you took me out for a drink somewhere.”
Husband: “F*ck off, you’re staying here. I was just gonna turn off the central heating to save money.”