The Best Funny Wife Jokes

Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Me: Only you, I was too busy to sleep while shagging the other women!
Wife: Right, pack your bags I want you out!
Me: That’s fine.
Wife: I hope you have a slow and painful death!
Me: I’m confused, does that mean you want me to stay now?

My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station”.

Did you hear about that new device that can make your car 95% quieter? It fits straight over your wife’s mouth.

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife whilst in the bedroom.

Wife: What do you like best my face or my sexy body?
Husband: Your sense of humor.

My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.