Best Funny General Jokes

Just had the following conversation in a job interview.

Interviewer: Describe yourself in 1 word.
Me: Hired.
2nd Interviewer: Can he do that?

Just had the following conversation in a restaurant.

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Honesty.
Boss: I don’t consider that a weakness.
Me: I don’t give a f*ck what you think.

A Children’s Charity knocked on my door earlier today asking for a donation to help them build a swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water.

The following conversation happened after calling the police.

Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!