I parked my car outside parliament. “Sir, you can’t park here,” said a cop. “This is where our politicians work.” “Don’t worry, I’ve locked it.”
Just been diagnosed with diabetes. I’m beginning to have doubts about Dr Pepper’s medical qualifications.
They say a dog is a man’s best friend. But even my worst enemy would never stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet.
It says “Please drink responsibly” on the label so I guess I should probably put my seat belt on.
Just had the following conversation with my wife
Wife: “Give it to me! I’m so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!” Me: You can scream all you want, you’re not having the umbrella.
My wife gave me a new nickname the other day, 007:
0 Romance 0 Hygiene 7 Meals per day