Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid peenis today. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.
Q. How do you know when your wife has died? A. The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
Q. What do subway and prostitution have in common?
A. They both get paid to do your wife’s job.
Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym. Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list. Me: Close enough.
My new girlfriend from Thailand said that having a small dick is no problem. I really like her but I think I’d still prefer it if she didn’t have one.