I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.
The police came over to my house last night after me and my wife had an argument. I said “Officer there’s no reason for you to be here tonight, I’ve already tasered her.”
Can’t believe it’s pancake day today.
It’s really crêped up on me.
Discovered yesterday I have liftophobia, fear of lifts. I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I don’t drink too much, I just like having an attractive wife.
Q. Why is a boss like a diaper? A. Because they’re always on your ass and they’re usually full of shit.