Best Funny General Jokes

Just got fired from my job at Lastminute.com, I kept turning up late.

Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance.

How to make the best salad ever in 3 steps.

1. Get a bowl.
2. Put a tiny amount of lettuce at the bottom.
3. Fill the rest of the bowl with pizza.

Last night a girl in a bar told me “I wouldn’t f*ck you if you were the last person alive.”
I leaned over to her and whispered “But who would be around to stop me?”

That wiped the smug look off her face.

Just been out for a run. Sure, it was a beer run but I was still sweating by the end.

Can’t seem to find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.

It was here a minute ago.