Best Funny General Jokes

The universe made of 4 things, protons, electrons, neutrons and morons.

Just had the following conversation after getting pulled over by a cop.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know, that’s how far behind I am.

My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

My psychologist told me not to keep things bottled up so I went home and drank all my wine.

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

After 3 hours of popping I’ve now been fired :(!