Best Funny Dirty Jokes

Me: Can I have a shag?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don’t think you heard me correctly…
Girl: Oh, I think I did…
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: “Can I have a shag?”

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn’t raype.

I was at the doctor’s the other day having a prostate exam when he said, “Oh my God!”

“What is it, Doctor?” I asked, mildly shitting myself.

“You’ve mildly shat yourself,” he replied.

My son saw me in the shower the other day and said “what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”. I replied “That’s the back of your sister’s head”.

Last year was one of the most memorable times of my life. I remember shouting “I don’t believe it, it’s a boy, it’s a boy!!”

That’s when I decided to never visit Thailand ever again.

Last night I had sex with not one, not two, not three, not four but zero people.

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A woman who really enjoys drying things.