Best Funny General Jokes

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour:  I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

I’m putting out vodka and potatoes for Santa this year. I heard he lost his job to a Polish guy.

Four out of five dentists recommended flossing every day.

The other one is out killing lions.

Can’t believe how crap this no more tears shampoo is. I’ve been feeding it to my kid for the past hour and he still hasn’t stopped crying.

Sometimes I like to use big words I don’t understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

I said ‘Hello’ to a feminist the other day. My trial starts next week.