Best Funny General Jokes

Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist.

im not an expert with cactuses but i know a prick when i see one

I heard if you drink every day that means your an alcoholic so I now only drink at night.

I don’t understand women. They love it when you sweep them off their feet but as soon as you lock them in the back of the van they start freaking out.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour:  I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.