Best Funny General Jokes

The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. “You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you’ll ruin what’s left of your liver completely.” “Fuck off, Doc,” I replied. “You always say that when it’s your round. Get the beers in, you tight cunt.”

My family were so poor that every night my dad used to take me to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

I’ve decided to quit smoking and also quit eating bacon. As a substitute I now only eat smokey bacon.

Just heard you can now get points for speeding which doesn’t seem right to me. If anything people caught speeding should be punished.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Just lost 15 lbs on a new diet, it’s called ‘The Flu’.