Just had the following argument with the wife while out shopping:
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: Do you promise not to get mad whatever I say? Wife: Yes, sure. Me: I f*cked your sister.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Got really bad sunburn yesterday so I decided to take Viagra. It doesn’t cure it but it really helps when sleeping to keep the bedsheets off my legs.
Q. What hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out. A. Bubblegum
Marriage is like a hand grenade, take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
I’m fed up of people calling me a dealer. Weed is a plant so technically I’m a florist.