It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into one of their beds.
The following conversation took place between a mother and her son after school.
Mum: Your headmaster told me you used the C word in class today. That wasn’t clever was it?
Son: No, it was cunt!
I took a girl home the other night and while things were heating up I was hopelessly fumbling around trying to unclip her bra.
“Is this your first time?” She asked. “No, you’re just the first one with with tits.”
Just had the following argument with the wife while out shopping:
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: Do you promise not to get mad whatever I say? Wife: Yes, sure. Me: I f*cked your sister.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Got really bad sunburn yesterday so I decided to take Viagra. It doesn’t cure it but it really helps when sleeping to keep the bedsheets off my legs.