Just had a message from that girlfriend that she’s had a beautiful little girl weighing 7lbs 3oz. Coincidentally that’s the same size as my c*ck.
Hi, I overheard you talking with your friend and I’d just like to say that you’re really boring the shit out of me. Every word you speak is like a pillow over my face.
Me and my wife had a candlelit dinner for the first time last night. It was terrible, everything was really under-cooked and tasted of wax.
Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.
Just hit a dog with my car on the way home from work. It’s OK though, I stopped the car, picked up the dog and put a suicide note under its paw.
Yesterday I had to change a lightbulb. Today I had a drink in a bar with a Jew and an Irish man.
Looks like my life has become one big joke.