What do you call a leper in a bath? Soup
What did the spice say to the Vagina?, “I’m Cumin!!!!!
Did you hear about the Irish metal detector enthusiast who dug a hole 70ft deep? It turns out he had steel toecap shoes on.
Got a parrot the other day but it didn’t say “I’m hungry” so it died.
I’ve been sober now for 100 days. Not in a row just over the past 4 years.
A cheeky homeless guy with a dog came up to me earlier today asking me for some money for food. I told him “If you were really hungry you would have eaten your dog by now.”