Best Funny General Jokes

Just been attacked by a thug with a bat.

It’s amazing how good thugs are at training animals these days.

Q. What do you get when you mix 2 different types of bread together?
A. A hy-bread.

As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.
“That’s typical,” I thought. “The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a f*cking nutcase.”

The following conversation took place at a funeral parlor minutes before the funeral was about to start.

Widow: You’ve put him in a blue suit, I wanted brown!
Funeral Director: No problem madam. Ed!! Ed!! Quickly bring the hacksaw, we need to swap the heads around on these bodies.

If Gordon Ramsay made sat-navs:

“F*ck off you brainless asshole, you were supposed to turn right!!”

Just been thrown out by my landlord after making him really angry. He told me the only pet I was allowed was a fish so I got a 6ft shark.