Best Funny General Jokes

I’m putting out vodka and potatoes for Santa this year. I heard he lost his job to a Polish guy.

Four out of five dentists recommended flossing every day.

The other one is out killing lions.

Can’t believe how crap this no more tears shampoo is. I’ve been feeding it to my kid for the past hour and he still hasn’t stopped crying.

I love Sainsburys. Just found a button on the self-checkout machines that says “cancel payment”. If you press it you can walk out of the store without paying.

What a great supermarket.

I’ve decided to be super lazy today. It’s a lot like normal lazy but i’m also wearing a cape.

Kid: Wah wah, my toy is broke.
Dad: Don’t worry duct tape can fix it. *Puts tape over kids mouth*