Best Funny General Jokes

I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning.

I said, “It’s a bit late for you Michelle, isn’t it?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she replied.

“That’s not what I meant, you fat cow.”

Got arrested last night. Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic if they know who you are.

The following conversation took place in a school lesson.

Teacher: So kids what jobs do your parents have?
Simon: My dad is a baker.
Teacher: Very good Simon, anyone else?
Johnny: My dad runs the local prison!!
Teacher: That’s great, is he a prison warden?
Johnny: No he’s just the hardest c*nt in there!!

My neighbor recently received an unexplained head injury while in his garden and had to go to hospital. Luckily his house is only a stones throw away from mine and I was able to find him and call for help.

Once I made a belt out of clocks…

It was a waist of time

You can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example, if it’s in a ditch, it’s probably owned by a woman.