Best Funny General Jokes

I heard a gunshot outside my apartment the other night. Then I saw two guys run past my window. I was gonna call the police, but then I got optimistic and said, ‘hey maybe it’s just a race’.

Running from your problems never helps… unless the problem is that you’re too fat.

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

Had a piss in my local swimming pool earlier this morning. Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I almost fell off the diving board.

1 slice of apple pie:

Jamaica $4.50
Bahamas $6.50
Aruba $3.50
Cayman Islands $10.50

These are the real pie rates of the Caribbean.

Started the new ‘wine diet’ last week… It’s amazing! I’ve lost 3 days already!