Best Funny General Jokes

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

If god didn’t want women to do all the cooking then why did he put milk and eggs inside them?

Worst advice I ever got as a kid was “Eat all your food so you grow big and strong”.
After years of over-eating I’m now a fat cunt.

The following conversation took place after being called by an accident compensation helpline.

Operator: Good afternoon sir, we’re calling about your recent accident.
Me: How did you know about that? At first I though it was just a fart but then I ended up shitting myself.
Operator: *Hangs up the phone*

Just accidentally pushed an old women on the floor. Apparently when she asked me to check her balance she was talking about a cash machine.

After years of working hard and many late nights I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as some people like to call it.