Earlier today I swallowed two pieces of string and they came out tied together. I shit you knot.
Person 1: Yo mama is really fat. Person 2: Hey my mama has feelings you know. Person 1: Yeah she’s mostly feeling hungry.
Can’t believe how long my wife and kids spend on eBay. It’s been weeks and still nobody has made a bid for them.
Can’t believe how much doctors lie. Last year I went to hospital to get a vasectomy to stop my wife getting pregnant but it turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.
A recent study has found that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Man: “Hi there!” Woman: “Sorry I have a boyfriend.” Man: “I said hi, not suck my dick!!”