I had a threesome last night.
Two people didn’t show up though, so I had to take matters into my own hands.
Stepped on my weighing scale this morning and it said:
“Please use social distancing, one person at a time”.
Tomorrow, I’m going to open up the time capsule I made 20 years ago when I was a kid. I can’t wait to see how big my puppy is.
Think there’s a problem with my iPhone. The battery dies quicker than a black guy in the back of a police van.
Teacher: Name three Kings of England who greatly transformed the country and made it a better place to live.
Student: Drin-king, smo-king and fu-king.
This chick tried to get me fired today for giving her an inappropriate massage in the office. I said “Good luck with that sweetheart, I don’t even work here!”