Can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
Just been pulled over by a cop. He said ‘can you identify yourself sir’ so I pulled out a mirror and said ‘yep that’s me!’
I remember in the old days when people used to get mad if you read their diary. Now people put everything online and get mad when you don’t read it.
I’m not a weatherman but I think you can expect a few inches tonight.
Q. What do you call a gay Jew? A. A Heblew
My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station”.