Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Me: Only you, I was too busy to sleep while shagging the other women!
Wife: Right, pack your bags I want you out!
Me: That’s fine.
Wife: I hope you have a slow and painful death!
Me: I’m confused, does that mean you want me to stay now?
My wife asked me, “What did you buy me for valentines day?”
“Well,” I chuckled. “You see that pink Mercedes over there?”
“Yes,” she said happily.
“Well I bought you a toothbrush the same colour.”
Yesterday my boss told me “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. Today when I turned up at the office dressed like a Ghostbuster he told me I was fired.