Q. What’s the difference between God and Rice Crispies?
A. God is infinitely old but the holy trinity of Snap, Crackle and Pop was actually created in the 1930s.
I have a lot of painful childhood memories. I remember when my cat died my mum tried to replace it. She thought I wouldn’t notice but I did and I killed that cat as well.
As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.
“That’s typical,” I thought. “The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a f*cking nutcase.”
Took a girl back to my place last night and she had a massive beaver. After she got on top of me she asked “Have you taken precautions?” I said “Yes, I’ve tied my feet to the bed”.