Can’t believe how awesome my new pet goldfish is. Just found out that if you put it on the carpet it can actually do break dancing.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.
Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it around.
I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don’t get any disgusted looks.
How to name your Asian baby *drops pan down stairs* king song ding dong