Can’t believe how awesome my new pet goldfish is. Just found out that if you put it on the carpet it can actually do break dancing.
Q. Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a boner?
A. I don’t have a Ferrari.
How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her she can’t make you a sandwich.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.
Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it around.