I used to think my dad suffered from tourettes but it turns out he just thinks I’m a c*nt.
Just quit my job at the cemetery … It was a dead-end job.
Just texted the following to my boss from work this morning.
Me: What’s the difference between this morning and your daughter? Boss: I don’t know. Me: I’m not coming in this morning.
My new German girlfriend had decided to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night she kept shouting 9!
Q. Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? A. Because he always wraps his package
What is the world coming to? Heard on the radio today that scientists have discovered dolphins enjoy having sex. Scientists should stop shagging animals and treat them with more respect.