I used to think my dad suffered from tourettes but it turns out he just thinks I’m a c*nt.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
Just texted the following to my boss from work this morning.
Me: What’s the difference between this morning and your daughter? Boss: I don’t know. Me: I’m not coming in this morning.
Just quit my job at the cemetery … It was a dead-end job.
My new German girlfriend had decided to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night she kept shouting 9!
Q. Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? A. Because he always wraps his package