After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…
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When life throws you lemons, make lemonade… But also remember that unless you add water and sugar your lemonade will taste like shit.
I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky b*stard didn’t even eat it.
Yo mama is so fat she’s got shock absorbers on her toilet seat.
If one of my jokes offends you
1. I’m sorry 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 and 2 are lies. 4. You’re a pussy.
Think my wife might be cheating on me. Every time I put the key in the lock to get in my house the parrot shouts “Quick out the window, quick out the window”.