I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville, when I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow, blindfolded.
I hate it when funerals are at 9am. I’m not a mourning person.
Marks and Spencer have recently announced they are going to merge with Poundstrecher.
The new supermarket will be called StrechMarks.
I was just enjoying a wank when some woman popped up and said, “Find local girls in your area”
I said, “Get the fuck out of my room, mum.”
After this weekend I’ve decided to give up drinking for good. I now only drink for evil.
When you get married you get 3 rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer-ring.