My girlfriend said she wanted to watch Jeremy Kyle live in person so I shagged her sister and got her pregnant.
Yo Mama so ugly that she scared the shit out of the toilet.
My friend doesn’t trust me. I told him he could borrow my Microsoft Office 2003 but he said my word wasn’t good enough.
Man: Do you want a 68? Woman: What’s that? Man: You do me and I’ll owe you 1.
Just told my wife I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she’s been seeing a psychiatrist, a bartender and 2 plumbers.
Just had the following conversation with my wife.
Wife: Why is the laptop sticky? Me: It’s not what you think, it’s ice cream. Wife: How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop? Me: Have you ever tried eating ice-cream and masterbating at the same time?