My girlfriend said she wanted to watch Jeremy Kyle live in person so I shagged her sister and got her pregnant.
Q. What do you call a graffiti artist who‘s impotent? A. Blanksy.
Driving a sports car and staying under the speed limit is like going to McDonalds for a salad.
Yo Mama so ugly that she scared the shit out of the toilet.
My friend doesn’t trust me. I told him he could borrow my Microsoft Office 2003 but he said my word wasn’t good enough.
Just had the following conversation with my wife.
Wife: Why is the laptop sticky? Me: It’s not what you think, it’s ice cream. Wife: How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop? Me: Have you ever tried eating ice-cream and masterbating at the same time?