The following conversation took place between an unemployed husband and his wife. Husband: Today I’m gonna take you out for a meal. Wife: Wow, did you manage to find a job? Husband: No, I lost the house playing poker.
Can’t believe how much of a sarcasm expert I’ve become recently. People are actually starting to think I’m really polite.
What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs?
Clever dick.
The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
The five stages of life:
1. Birth. 2. Pissing and shiting yourself. 3. Having to pay for everything. 4. Pissing and shiting yourself. 5. Death.