I don’t understand women. They love it when you sweep them off their feet but as soon as you lock them in the back of the van they start freaking out.
Me and my girlfriend decided to start trying the whole long-distance relationship thing yesterday.
The police said I have to stay 100ft away from her and I have to stop calling her my girlfriend.
Sometimes all a man needs from a woman is a nice hug…. around the penis with a vagina.
Q. What do you call an Indian who cares about his health? A. Soshul Distan Singh.
Really struggling to keep my weight down at the moment.
Tried jogging but I keep running into restaurants.
I love Sainsburys. Just found a button on the self-checkout machines that says “cancel payment”. If you press it you can walk out of the store without paying.
What a great supermarket.